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I just returned from vacation in Italy, and in the months leading up to my trip, I had attempted to teach myself Italian. I arrived thinking I had more skills than I actually had. It turns out, I kind of learned the wrong set of words and conversations! So I didn’t fare as well as I’d hoped.
Something in that fumbling around stuck with me: Not the embarrassment of it, but the fascination. Language is a window into culture. And when you’re on the outside looking in, you start to see things you’d never notice from inside your own.
When we look closely at how a culture uses language — not just what words they use, but the feeling and hierarchy embedded in those words — you start to understand who they are. And when you miss that nuance, you don’t just misunderstand the word. You misunderstand the person.
My friend noticed Italians say “sorry” a lot when, for example, a waiter approaches the table or people walk around you in the metro stations (because you’re standing in the middle trying to figure out where to go). That’s because the literal translation for “scusa” is not just “excuse me,” it’s also: “sorry.” This is a gesture of respect, not an admission of fault. Miss that, and you’ve created a story about a whole culture that isn’t true.
A few more examples to set context. The romance languages have two versions of “you” – one is informal, and the other is formal/plural. We Americans just say “you,” but other cultures have a more respectful, hierarchical view of “you,” where a more formal version is used for elders and strangers to show respect.
Finally, let’s take the phrase “Je vous en prie,” in French, which is used to signal you’re welcome, but translated literally means I pray of you. Or I beg of you. A less formal version of you’re welcome would be “de rien,” which literally means it’s nothing. When we explore the depth of the language, we start to understand its culture.
This isn’t just a question of foreign languages. It happens in relationships and in leadership. It happens any time two people come from different lived experiences and assume they’re speaking the same language, when actually the same word means something different to each of them.
The key is bridging the gap between the originator’s intent and the audience’s interpretation. Because when those don’t align, confusion and unhelpful stories follow. And, most of the time, nobody realizes it’s happening.
The responsibility lies on both sides to seek understanding and to stay open to the idea that the other person’s word choice came from somewhere real. Before you decide what someone meant, get curious. Ask either yourself or out loud, “What did you mean when you said that?”
The thing about curiosity is that first, you have to get out of your head. And out of the stories you’re creating.
For a long time, I was shy to speak French in formal or professional situations. Because my skills aren’t perfect, I worried I’d come across as less intelligent than I actually am. I’d default to English, my comfort zone, and perhaps they would speak less-than-perfect English. The same inconsequential grammatical errors I was terrified of making in French, they were making in English. And I didn’t judge them for it. Instead, I admired them.
That realization flipped everything. Now I speak French fearlessly, without worrying about the errors I might make.
Here’s the point: I wasn’t limited by my French. I was limited by my perspective. I was so far inside my own head and how I might appear, that I couldn’t see what was plainly true: my conversation partner was doing the same brave, imperfect thing I was.
This is what curiosity does. It moves us from self-focus to genuine interest in the other person.
A fish in water doesn’t know it’s in water. But air bubbles are a good indicator. Pay attention to the moments of friction, surprise, or misunderstanding. Those are your air bubbles: the signal that you might be swimming in assumptions worth examining.
When you’re ready, here are a few ways I can help you and your team:
Need to get better at telling your story? (Or the story you tell yourself!) I can work with you one-to-one or with your team to help you prepare for your next presentation, pitch, or even navigate your next big change.
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