Listen to the blog here.
Since we’re in the season of reflection (and lots of sugar), I’m writing in to report back on an experiment that started on my birthday in May.
It was a Sunday, and I spent the afternoon and evening alone. My friend group had just finished a ski weekend on Mt. Hood. Everyone dispersed, and since I had a seven-hour drive home, I decided to camp in Hood River solo so I could drive back the next morning. At first, I was depressed that everyone had left me. Wondered what I’d do the rest of my day. Felt sorry for myself. Just a wee bit disappointed (unreasonably) that my friends didn’t think to change their plans so they could spend my birthday with me.
Then I set up camp, took a shower, and sat looking at this view.
I ordered a wood-fired pizza in town and picked up a bottle of sparkling rosé. I had my book and me, and I changed the narrative.
Here’s what I know about changing narratives: Our psyche comprises multiple independent entities – they’re called “parts” according to Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems approach. If you think of the chatter that goes on in your mind, those are all different parts of you having a conversation. It’s like we have a dysfunctional family inside of us. Fun stuff, I know.
All these parts are protecting hurt parts. Say you were abandoned or exploited or told something mean when you were young. Parts in your mind suppress that memory to protect you from pain.
Your protectors might look like any of these:
- Critic – who wants you to be your best, but you are simply hard on yourself.
- Controller – pushes feelings away so you don’t feel them, but you micro-manage everyone and everything.
- Denier – distorts things to protect your internal family, but you don’t have a pulse on reality.
- Caretaker – sacrifices your needs for others.
- Worrier – constantly alert for danger, holding you back from taking even the smallest risks.
Which of these “parts” do you associate with? Before you think of them as negative attributes, think again. They are protecting you the best they know how. Their intent is good. There are no bad parts.
At the center of all this is the “Self” – the wise seat of consciousness. Aware of our inner multiplicity. Non-judging because there’s nothing wrong with us.
Our parts shape our beliefs and feelings, which shape the story we tell ourselves.
When we are aware of that, we can change the story and show up as better leaders; better people.
Back to my solo birthday: I sat in that red camp chair, might have been a touch buzzed from that sparkling rosé, and declared this was going to be the year of celebrating me. As I’m more than halfway through that year now, I thought I’d report in even though you didn’t know or ask. 🙂
It’s been a great year so far. Not easy or perfect – not everything is going the way it should be – but full of the happy consequences that come from celebrating myself:
- I am not responsible for others’ happiness. This is huge for me. If I think of the things that give me anxiety, it’s guilt and making sure people are happy. Now, this doesn’t give me free rein to be a douche to my loved ones because of this grand discovery. I can bring them joy, but I can’t make them happy.
- Given this new piece of information, you know what that means?
- The flip side to not being responsible for anyone’s happiness: No one is responsible for my happiness other than me! WHOA. That’s partly annoying because I always thought it was everyone else’s job.
- It frees me up from worrying about what others say or do. It keeps me from setting expectations that don’t get met. Expectations tend to lead to disappointment. Managed expectations lead to pleasant surprises.
- I don’t need validation from others. Makes sense, right? If I’m solely responsible for my happiness, then I should celebrate my wins instead of running to share with others in search of external validation. (That requires me to keep my upper body flexible so I can reach back to pat my own back.)
- I accept that which I can’t control and appreciate all that is good. Even the smallest thing like the sun beaming through the trees into the room.
What I’m talking about here is taking leadership of your own narrative and the stories you tell yourself. It helps you to be magnetic. People want to be around you.
It’s not perfect. I don’t do these things perfectly, but as I become more aware, I get better at noticing and correcting. It’s not life-changing in some dramatic way. But it’s subtle and feels incredibly empowering.
Our relationships – internally and externally – are governed by our feelings and beliefs. We have everything we need within us to make this shift. It will make us a better leader at work and a better partner in life.
And it all started in a red camp chair on Hood River, with a pizza, some sparkling rosé, and a view worth celebrating.
The Year of You – I’m curious to know what the year of YOU would look like. Take some time to reflect alone. You don’t have to be on a river in the woods. Imagine sitting down at a boardroom table and invite your inner dysfunctional family to pull up a chair. What can you do in the coming year – one thing to focus on that will help you lead your relationships more joyfully?
Take care out there.
When you’re ready, here are a few ways I can help you and your team:
Need to get better at telling your story? (Or the story you tell yourself!) I can work with you one-to-one or with your team to help you prepare for your next presentation, pitch, or even navigate your next big change.
Our Pause in Provence retreat is nearly full — only two rooms remain! If you’ve been thinking about joining us for this transformational experience in the heart of Provence, now is the time to act. Secure your spot.
Looking for an engaging speaker? I deliver inspiring keynotes that help people connect to their stories and each other to better engage their teams, customers, and communities.
See a video showcasing my work here and if you need help with one of the items below, let’s schedule a time to talk.
Need something else you think I can help with? I’d love to connect.
Stay in touch.
Sign up for our newsletter and receive a digital version of my book The Power of Story, Connect With Purpose, Unlock Your Influence for free.
