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Recent events have me pondering a question: Why is it so hard to apologize?
Might it be the internal scorekeeper inside each of us that wants to win? We don’t want to admit wrongdoing and yet, when the pressure is on, when the feedback is loud and public, sometimes, some of us dig our heels in.
We accuse others of overreacting. We deploy any number of silencing techniques to quiet the voices, including the ones inside our own heads that might be feeding a hint of self-doubt. And yet, we remain stubborn and entrenched.
I find it fascinating when we choose winning the conflict over winning life. That’s what it comes down to if you think about it. Winning the conflict is the short-term win, often at the expense of the long-term win.
Here’s what I mean by that. I believe we all have a part that keeps a running score. I know I might track things like: How many times have I initiated invitations to friends? What have I done for them versus what they’ve done for me? How have I shown up for a friend going through a difficult time?
Guess what? My scorekeeper is exhausted. Tracking all the things I’ve given vs what I’ve received. She needs a break.
Now think about how that same scorekeeper is running your public life. Running your leadership. Running your reputation. The instinct is identical: Protect the position, resist the feedback, declare yourself right. But the stakes are categorically different. When you have a platform, a team watching you, a public paying attention, the score you’re keeping is the least important one in the room.
This is where the real cost shows up: When we design a non-apology, we might maintain that imaginary high score, but a sincere apology does wonders to defuse the situation, and yet, oh my, does it shatter that internal score!
A non-apology sounds like this: I’m sorry it was taken that way. I’m sorry that’s how people reacted.
A real apology sounds like this: I could have done better in that moment. I was caught up in the energy of it and I regret the way I reacted. In hindsight, I would have responded differently. I’m still learning. That’s it. That’s accountability.
Notice the difference. The real one takes ownership. The other one puts the burden on everyone else’s interpretation. The real one (perhaps counter-intuitively) preserves your reputation. The other preserves your internal score.
Being right doesn’t win respect. People aren’t carrying the same scorecard you have in your head, so only you can enjoy that score. And that’s a lonely place to be.
Winning at life means having fulfilling relationships at work and in life, a community to turn to when you need it. You don’t build those by being right. You build them by being trustworthy.
So what kind of leader do you want to be? One who wins on the internal scorecard, or one who people look up to as a role model – whose actions align with their values, who takes responsibility even when it stings, who accepts feedback and learns from it?
The matter could have been forgiven in due time. Instead, it lives on.
But hey, at least the internal report card is kicking butt, right?
Remember, it’s not what you think of yourself. It’s what remains when you leave the room.
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